Farm Tours on Steroids

Our Farm 2006

Spring is here and Farm Tours are on the horizon. I decided to kick it up a notch and offer an intensive farm internship program. Following are topics that will be covered.

1. Tool time - working in the shop on various pieces of machinery. The goal is to fix the machinery without injuring any body parts. Jobs will include things as simple as changing the oil to how to remove a rusted bolt without removing your knuckles in the process. There will also be a quick review on determining when stitches will be needed and if a trip to the ER is necessary.

2. Planning for the Future - artificial insemination. As a way to prepare for this class, you can practice this at home. Since you probably don’t have a plastic sleeve that reaches to your shoulder, you can use a garbage bag. Put your hand in the garbage bag and pull it up to your shoulder. Poke holes in the end for your fingers. Have someone blindfold you. Hold your arm straight out in front of your body and with your right hand using a shoe string; tie a bow – one handed. You cannot use your left hand. Oh, by the way, place a blood pressure cup up high on your right arm and tightened it all the way. This will help you with dexterity and stamina that you will need for the real class.

3. Communication 101 – learn farmish. You will learn to read lips and facial expressions when standing two feet beside the running blower with your head cranked back looking to the top of the silo where someone is shouting directions to you. This is very important to learn because if the blower gets stuck with feed everything shuts down, gets real quiet and the person on top of the silo will come down, stand two feet in front of you and then yell things you don’t want to hear.


4. Pooh Control - scraping the barn and spreading the pooh in the fields without spilling a drop on the road so Miss Fussypants down the road doesn't call because she has to drive through it.

5. Milking - It Does the Body Good - learning to wash and wipe, then attach twelve machines on twelve Brown Eyed Bossies, turn around and do another twelve before the first twelve are done. You have 700 cows to practice on that have to be milked 3 times a day. This also includes transferring milk from a bulk tank onto a tanker truck.

6. Perfecting Your Delivery - learn how to deliver a calf which includes how to pull a calf and if necessary climb in after one. You will learn how to sex the calf, vaccinate and tag it.

7. Field Trips - an assortment of field activities to choose from - making hay, sowing fields, planting fields, discing fields, chopping, combining and hauling wagons. The most important tip - how to deal with bathroom issues when you are 45 minutes from the barn with no toilet paper.

8. Health Issues - the cattle's, not yours. Assist with DAs, hoof trimming, C-sections, hernias and other medical procedures - like milk fever, IV attachments, shots and vaccines. See how stuffing bed sheets inside a cow can prevent death.

9. Hello/Goodbye - how to be polite yet firm when dealing with drive-up sales men. This also includes how to smooze with the milk inspector.

10. Wages – figure out what you need to be paid to get by. We then take that amount, divided it by 2, multiply by .25 and add $2.00. That is your pay. Included with this we teach you how to pray. You really have to learn this second part to make it on the money you make farming.

There will be two milk breaks, one at 10:00 AM and one at 7:00 PM. Lunch will be served around 1:00 depending on whether or not cows are out or what is broken down. The day ends when your feet are too heavy to pick up and you have hay, dirt and dust packed in your nose and in your underwear.

One extra special perk - if you have to travel to a field near the ice cream shop, you can have a cone of your choice.