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| She has seen better days. |
“If it isn’t broken, it’s useless”. I heard the whisper.
And then like a video the scene played in my mind.
A freshly baked pie, a labor intensive decorated cake, a
golden loaf of bread. They are all created for a purpose, yet the beauty they
hold needs to be broken. Sometimes it’s hard to cut into that specially
decorated cake or your first successful loaf of bread. You just want to look at
its beauty.
I heard “Your life is like the loaf of bread. It has no
value unless it is broken and eaten.”
Lately I feel as if called to be honest, truthful and at
times raw. I personally cannot sit through any scenario of perfection anymore.
I don’t want to hear how wonderful and untroubled your marriage is. I don’t
want to see all the cute obedient things your children provide.
There are times I feel as if I am a constant work that God
will never finish. I think I must be that one creation that is too messed up,
too much of a disappointment that God would be better without. And, growing up
in the church I was one of the most fake people you could meet. Man, everything
was under control. What a joke! Everything was held together with a smile, a
little make up and laughter.
The last few years I’ve learned that fake creates fear. The
more fake you portray the more fear you promote because what you are putting
out there is so unattainable that the gallery of on lookers think “I will never
be that good and why can’t I be?”
So, I decided to be real. As real as I can without dragging
someone into the mud with me. I screw up constantly. I have trouble with my
mouth. I have too high of expectations for myself and others. I fight against
legalism even after leaving it behind 20 years ago. I don’t necessarily like for
people to see my weaknesses and to judge my faults to be disappointed in me. I
really do want everyone to like me. I want to be “good enough”. There’s even a
part of me that wants people to wish they were like me – good Lord, heaven
forbid!
A while back something happened. I can’t remember what it
was and I was telling God “I’m sorry I screwed up again.” I heard him say to me
“What if I wanted you to screw up? What if I wanted someone else to see your
faults, your limitations?”
Crap. I don’t want to be the bad example. I want to be the new
improved redesigned woman of God.
Fat chance of that happening on a regular basis. Oh, I have
my moments when I get out of the way and God uses me. It’s exhilarating. And, I
am learning that the times I screw up are just as valuable.
And I am getting more comfortable with lying it right out in
the open for all to see. And, I am even getting a thicker skin and don’t care
as much about being judged unfairly.
So, if you are the broken pot that God is using, come and sit
by me. You’re in good company.
