Gas Gone Wild

Ooh, what a night
Late August, back in O ‘14
What a very hairy time I seen
As I remember, what a night

That’s what I’m singing as I write this. If only the Four Seasons could be here in person.

Last night Farmer and I were in bed watching Farm Kings – Lisa King was wearing my shirt again and I was waiting to see if she would take her bibs down so you could see it!

Just before 11 we heard this strange noise – like a hissing sound – like when I have the garden hose turned on filling the pool. Only this was ramped up. So many thoughts went through my mind as we were trying to discover the source. Such as:

Is Son #2 playing a joke and turned on the hose?

We’ve had a crew here the last month up and down our road installing new gas lines. Last night around 5:00 we discovered they cut our water line and they had to fix it. So another thought I had was – I’m gonna look out the window and see Ol’ Faithful in my yard. The fix didn’t stick.

Well, none of the above.

We opened the slider and you could smell the faint aroma of gas and right away we knew.

I said to Farmer “I’m calling 911.” His immediate stupid (this word will be used a lot here and if you think it’s harsh or that I’m a bad wife for admitting this – tough) response was “No” as he searched around for his pants and shirt. I felt like I had one leg shorter than the other because I was walking yet going nowhere – I couldn’t find any clothes. I then said “I don’t care what you want I’m calling.” He agreed – he got smart – for a while.

The 911 dispatcher asked if we were sick or injured. I explained the work going on and that we were sure it was a gas leak. She directed us to leave the house immediately, don’t turn off any TV, lights, phone – nothing. Move away from the house.

I had a problem. I cleaned that day and there were no dirty clothes lying around to put on and I wasn’t going out in my “bed clothes”. Why I didn’t just get some out of the dresser drawer is beyond me. I ran up to the laundry room grabbed some jeans, T-shirt and bra. By the time I got them on Farmer was out the door on the phone with one of the sons walking towards the front of the house where the leak originated. I must tell you the noise from this leak was very loud. You had no doubt where it was coming from. I was on the phone with another son who had been on the Fire Department and asked if he still got calls to see if ours went out. He doesn’t but was asking where we were. “Get away from the house” he said. “Where are you and dad?” “I’m by the clothes line pole and dad is walking towards the leak.” I am also yelling at Farmer to come this way – get away from the house. Mr. Stupid ignores me, waves me away and Son is telling me to get farther away from the house and to tell dad to also.

I finally got him to at least get into the road but Mr. Stupid was too close. I was heading east away from the house on the road. I called back 911 to see if the Fire Department was on the way. She said they should be there shortly and asked me which gas company we use. I told her Consumers and she said they would call them. She then asked “Can you still hear the gas?” I was having a hard time hearing her because the noise was so loud. I said “Yes.” Then she told me that if you can hear it you are too close. I tried to relay to Mr. Stupid and he ignored me. I told her I was heading away but I couldn’t get my husband to comply. She told me to tell him he needed to move. So while I’m on the phone with her I’m yelling (to get above the noise of the leak, because I’m farther away from him and because I’m mad) for him to come this way per the police. He’s totally ignoring me. So I told her I was moving and he was doing his own thing.

Just west of our house is the barn driveway. I saw headlights coming from that direction then stopping and swinging around and disappearing behind the corn. The field across from the house is corn so tall we can’t see what’s coming or going up the barn driveway. Later I discovered it was Son#2 coming to the rescue but he came to a halt when he heard the sound of the escaping gas above the sound of his car.

A car approached from the east – the direction I was walking so that forced Farmer to follow me further east with his flashlight to stop the vehicle. It was one of the fire guys and now Farmer HAS to stay there. He told the fireman that Son #2 was at the barn driveway (the west side of the leak) waiting for the fire trucks.

After a bit I just sat down on the road – totally disgusted with Mr. Stupid and dead tired.

The fire trucks came and Son #2 flagged down the first one and told it to stop – which it didn’t. He jumped up on the floor board and said “Stop there’s a gas leak”. The driver slowed but didn’t stop. Finally my son reached through the open window, grabbed the steering wheel and said “Stop. There’s a gas leak there by the road.” Apparently Mr. Macho man got the idea and stopped.

A few minutes later Son #2 phoned Farmer and I asked Mr. Stupid to request my daughter-in-law come around and pick me up. I was totally ticked off at Farmer and just wanted out. I couldn’t walk to the farm unless I walked through acres of corn well above my head, in the dark, barefooted.

She drove around the section and picked me up. As we were driving back she told me her side of the story. Their story started when Farmer called Son #2 telling him we had a gas leak.

Son #2 and daughter-in-law jumped in the car because they thought the leak was in the house. They were flying down the barn drive way heading to our house and when they got to the end where the corn stops (the corn muffled the noise of the gas) Son #2 hollered. “Stop, stop. Reverse, reverse!” She slams it in reverse and narrowly misses wagons parked in the field. When he heard the noise level of the leak he could imagine a large explosion. But when, daughter-in-law is telling me we are laughing our heads off.

We got back to the other side of the house by Son and I told them I was totally unprepared for such an emergency. I flew out of the house – hair a mess, no make-up, no shoes. I said I had visions of Channel 8 finding out about this, an explosion, an interview and I would have to hide so I wouldn’t have to be on camera with bad hair and no make-up. Another absurd thought process. I did say that when this event was done I was going to make an emergency box to keep by the back door. Son said “I can see it now, a huge wardrobe closet by the door with clothes, make up and curling iron. And a very long extension cord.”

Even though the fire dept. and police department called the very stupid (a lot of this going around) Consumers Power Company, they said we were not their customer and they had no service on our road. I wondered who in the world has been cashing our checks the last four decades. Because Farmer has a hot line to someone there and was already talking to him, a representative finally arrived.

She - the representative - and Farmer/Mr. Stupid went into the house to check for gas levels and she checked the leak. Because the wind was strong enough to dissipate the gas and no levels were found in the house with minor levels just outside my bedroom she said it was safe to re-enter. Keep windows shut and do not turn on the air conditioner we were told. We would have to wait for another repair truck to come fix the problem now that the official Consumer’s person said “Yep, it’s a gas leak”. Apparently we and the several Firemen were too stupid to discern the loud, gas smelling sound as a gas leak.

I decided to trust this woman I’ve never met and went in to go to bed. About 30 minutes later she and Farmer had to traipse through the bedroom again checking levels. I was so tired and thought right about then that maybe being blown into heaven where I could get some rest might not be such a bad idea.

Somewhere in the wee, wee hours I heard voices and footsteps wandering through the house again. I was waiting for them to come into the bed room but thank goodness I was spared. 

Eventually the leak was fixed.

It’s time to get that emergency box ready. Who knows what’s in the future.