Yesterday I was extremely nostalgic to the point of tears at
time.
I think it was from spending the weekend with my parents.
They were here for my birthday party and my niece’s (their granddaughter’s) bridal
shower. I love having them here and my kids love spending time with Grampa and
Grama. We always have a wonderful time.
But, each time I see them I see how they are sliding closer
to heaven. Sliding into heaven is a wonderful good thing and I’m so blessed to
have that assurance, but, that means they will no longer be here. Here, where I
can talk to them and hug them and spend time with them. This makes me sad.
Time is stripping their independence away like a surgeon
doing varicose vein surgery – without the anesthesia.
I watch my Dad become less agile, hesitant, and unable to do
many activities he has in the past. My dad was a man that could do anything. We
rarely had a repairman in our house growing up. My dad’s car hardly ever
entered an auto repair shop. He could do it all. I watch as little by little
his interests are taken away.
My mother has always had health issues and I tell her the
only reason she is still alive is because all her medication has pickled her.
She gets a giggle out of that. I don’t see changes in her like I do my dad.
In conjunction with watching my parent’s lives change to
more and more dependency and less freedoms I see how the years in my life are
nipping at my ankles like an annoying puppy. I just want to kick it to the curb
but it relentlessly returns.
I look at my sons and they are all men now. My oldest will
be 40 in a few years. Impossible.
Yesterday I had errands to tend to which took me into a few
stores and everywhere I went there were young mothers with their children. Some
pushing them in grocery carts, others had kids hanging off their arms as they
walked into the store. Some were refereeing, others were laughing.
Sorrow washed over my like a wave. Oh how I wish I could go
back. I want to wake up my boys in the morning, read them a book, and tuck them
in at night. I want to go shopping for school clothes and worry about how I’m
going to pay for it. I want to pick out lunch boxes and tennis shoes. I want to
sign them up for rocket football and find cleats and football pants. I want to
trip over sleeping bags on the family room floor. I want to find snakes in
lunch pails and fish swimming in my bathroom sink. I want to talk to them about
the girls they will meet. I want to sit by their side and take their
temperature, decide if they need stitches and kiss their boo boos. Oh, how I
want it all over again.
I don’t know why I have such a hard time with this while
others sail right through and enjoy their empty nests.
I don’t want to leave the wrong impression. I have a
wonderful life. I can see each and every one of my kids any time I want. I have
healthy grandkids that I see daily. I live in the most spectacular place. I
have a farm that gives me joy, peace and contentment along with a huge load of
work. I’m married to Farmer for 42 years this fall. So my life is full and
blessed more than most.
I think I need to purposefully train my eyes on heaven. If
this life is so wonderful, what will heaven be like? I know if I could roll up
my life in a big blanket and shake it out in heaven it would be peanuts
compared to what God has in store. I just need to be more mindful of that.
Life changes and sadness comes. That’s OK as long as I don’t
put up a tent and camp there.
To any young mother reading this please slow down. Don’t let
the business of your day rob you of your time with your kids. Let the house go,
feed them hotdogs, only say “no” when you have to, laugh, play and make
memories. Do the important not the urgent.
I hope there will come a day when your kids come to you and
say “You know mom, I think you were the best mom. All the things you did and do
for us. All the fun times you made. Even my friends thought you were a good
mom. There’s no other mom I would want. I love you.” Each of my sons has said this in one way or
another.
There are no more important accolades than your family’s.
Determine to give them something to say about you.
Have a blessed day.
