I Never Wanted to Write This
This blog post is a long time coming. I’ve just been denying the need to put the words out there because it will increase the sadness. Yet, I feel the need to release them hoping it will lessen the load of sadness that is either right in my face or lurking in the background trying to push through to get all my attention.
Yesterday as I was helping with moving calves and dry cows I couldn’t without tears streaming. As I walked through the calf barn to the end pen where we were move calves to another barn – they graduated – it hit me like a ton of bricks. I will only be able to do this a few more weeks
We will not be raising our young cattle anymore. We will be selling calves up to 13 months – this go around. This is not the best time to be selling cattle. Yet, something must be done. The changes and choices of this administration has created enough hardships that there is no choice other than selling out completely.
I berated myself that I hadn’t taken more time to enjoy the process over the years. To not just be moving this group here to the next place and so on. I should have taken more pictures. I should have watched and enjoyed the different personalities of each calf.
As we sorted out dry cows to bring back home, I walked shoulder to shoulder with about 100 girls looking for specific numbers. I could do it all day long. These huge gentle giants with their brown eyes are uniquely different.
When we bring a new load in there are some that run to gate to check out the new ones. They will holler “hey gurl!” Some will boldly walk up and sniff you while others sneak behind you. Some will rub their head against you, and you better be ready, or you could land on your butt.
The differences go on and on. There is one there that “dances” for us – she really looks cartoonish when she does. She’s just so happy to see us.
We did not work the last 50+ years being the 3rd generation on this land to give up generations of blood, sweat and tears easily. And our son – 4th generation has not given his life nor his wife and now his kids – 5th generation. They feel the farm is worth fighting for.
The thing about selling our young stock is that for the last several years we’ve been doing genetic testing and our breeding program has developed some great replacements for us. Now, they will be sold in hopes to create a better scenario of success for the farm.
The cost of fuel alone has caused much of the problem. Everything coming to the farm has higher delivery costs. The “supply chain” issue – which in my opinion never had to happen – is another problem. When a piece of machinery goes down during planting or harvest, time is money. A machine breaks, parts are not at the dealers because they aren’t getting parts because, once again, “supply chain”. Days go by, the optimum time to be in the fields is flitting by. Finally, the parts come in and then it rains, or snows so there is more waiting. Until you know, you don’t know.
When and if we need to replace our milking cows, we will not automatically know what we have coming. Now we know the dam and the sire, and that calf was bred with the best to create an animal that would produce well and be healthy.
Add that to Farmer physically handing the reins over to Son #2. Son#2 has been very involved and has helped and even made the farm better over the last years. The last few years we’ve been working the farm without much pay to help keep the farm alive. But the reins need to be in his hands now and Farmer and I will have the opportunity to do – who knows? The sky is the limit. Yet, you don’t just take off your boots and have a new life run up to you tap you on the shoulder and say, “pick me”! Especially when what you have been doing is what you love. We will still be involved and help but it will be more steps back and the major decisions will be determined by Son#2 alone – unless he asks for advice.
Part of me is sad that he will have such a heavy load. I see how busy and worn out he is now. I see the lack of family time already – yet they have been doing this as a family. He, his wife, and son combined the whole corn harvest alone and did a fantastic job. But I know his love of this is impossible to deny. He was created for this and to not fulfill this life would be difficult – emotionally. He is fully capable of doing other things yet his inner most part belongs on the farm.
I feel like I am carrying the sadness of everyone involved because I care about how they are feeling. This sadness buries me at times.
On December 15 we will be having an on-line auction. Then the buyers will be coming to pick up the animals. I haven’t decided if I can handle being there when they go or can I live with not being there.
Some barns will be empty. I won’t hear the calves crying early in the morning – especially in the summer. I sit on my back porch early in the morning with my coffee and absorb the sounds of the farm. The clanking of the neck rails, an occasional moo. And the around 7 am the calves start crying as the feeder comes into the barn. It continues until the last one is fed, and it quiets down.
I will miss walking guests through the barns showing the littles how to have a calf suck on their fingers. Walking through the barns calms my fears, brings me closer to God and overwhelms me with good feelings.
After the 15th there will still be barns of cows, milking cows. And I will be walking with them and will still be moving cows.
But the calves. They will be born and then gone within a day or two. No more having a favorite calf and watch it as it moves from pen to pen and then as a milk cow. There will be a lot of no mores – at least for a while. We don’t know what the farm will look like in the future. There definitely will still be cows milked, fields planted, poop hauled etc. It will just look different.
Different isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just different.
Knowing that the normal day to day motion and music of life will change is hard when you are in love with the harmony you created over the years.
If you know anyone looking for great quality young stock have them message me for information on the auction.
If you are so inclined, prayers would be appreciated. We know 1000% we will be OK, and the farm continues it’s just difficult knowing some parts will be no more.
