I have a unique position of being able to personally address both sides of this.
As the new daughter-in-law on the farm many years ago I didn’t feel welcomed. I wasn’t mistreated but I also was not encouraged to be part of the farm. I had to weasel my way in. To be fair though, at the time and where we lived, it was expected that we women took care of the house and kids unless necessary.
I started helping my father-in-law (who I was scared to death of) with feeding calves. As the years passed and my kids got older, I became more involved.
I took care of all the lawns, the flowers – my favorite thing to do. I wanted to pretty up the farm, and I would have spent every day on the lawn mower I love/loved it that much. I started cleaning the offices and lunchrooms. My goal was to bring the farm into a clean, organized, efficient place. From there to doing the books, tractor driving, moving cattle, assisting in vet procedures etc.
When our first daughter-in-law arrived on the farm, she had an outside job but as time went on, she joined in. My son was so much better at bringing her in than his father. And it was a different time then. I also tried to help include by giving up part of the lawn and flowers. Gradually, the books were turned over and she takes care of all the office work, landscaping and much more. She is a work horse for the farm. She drives tractor, combines and is emersed in the dairy side of the business side by side with my son.
There is no doubt in my mind her love of the farm – not at all like this next experience.
From a young woman. This is her view, as how she is perceived and treated by her mother-in-law:
The evil gold-digging daughter in law. You look at your daughter in law and you might be annoyed. You might wonder where she thinks she is coming from. How does she have a right to ask questions and want answers? After all, this is a “family business” and she is not family, isn’t that what you said?
Maybe if your son does stand up for himself and ask questions and set boundaries…you blame her. That’s not like him. It must be coming from his wife.
Let’s recap for a minute. If she is working off farm full time so that she can carry benefits that your businesses can’t provide, that is a piece of the puzzle.
If she just wants to know there is some kind of plan, so she doesn’t have to be quite so afraid of the future, she has that right.
If she chips in where she can, raises your grandchildren, loves your son, supports his dream to stay in ag. That’s a consideration.
Maybe she just wants to know that they won’t lose everything when you retire or die. Is she going to lose her home? Are they going to lose most of their income? Is all the sacrifice involved in doing all the little things acknowledged…worth it?
Maybe she’s just…scared. She doesn’t want your money; she just wants her family to be healthy and whole.
Another daughter-in-law fights to keep her husband’s ability to farm by working off the farm and paying for the past careless debt of mother and father-in-law only to be threatened that the farm will be divided with other non-farming siblings.
On the flip side a farm wife loses her husband to an unexpected illness. Shortly after her son who somehow has inherited the farm with the expectations of continuing to farm and provided for mom is tragically killed. Within months the daughter-in-law sells it all out from under her. I don’t know the legalities or how it happened, but it does. It isn’t always the mean mother-in-law causing problems nor the money-grubbing daughter-in-law. It goes both ways.
Don’t get me wrong. Our mother-in-law/daughter-in-law journey hasn’t been as smooth as silk. We’ve had some bumps. We’ve had to learn how to communicate. We’ve had to learn to put the other one first. It’s a process and it probably will last our lifetimes but it’s doable. It can happen without arrows and darts being flung at each other. If . . . and this is a BIG IF – both want to make it work and both are willing to lay self down from time to time.
There is no perfect formula. Each one of us bring in baggage from our life before the farm and must try to unpack what fits our new space and put aside what doesn’t.
Farming is one of the hardest, most stressful lives to live. And relationships are one of the key factors that is the hardest. And then passing your lifelong work on to another person can be excruciating – so many emotions involved.
But if both sides can focus on the other generation and see what they are losing/accepting and care for them, it can become less of a burden. But that choice to put the other one first is hard work.
I pray that through these pieces I’m sharing that someone will consider trying a little harder to be the one that moves towards peace, moves towards reconciliation, moves towards a smooth transition with peace and love.
. . . to be continued. . .
If you want to share your story anonymously, contact me.
