It’s funny when I find the snakes.
Sometimes it’s when I’m walking home from the barn. The sun can be shinning and I’m noticing how green and lush the hay fields are. Our house across the road holds so many memories. I can feel the sunshine on my face and a light breeze wafting through my hair tickling my cheeks.
And then, there it is. A snake. It slithers out from nowhere and wraps itself around my ankles. This time its name is Fear. Sometimes it’s Anxiety, or Concern or Apprehension.
The snake talks to me. Quite loudly at times.
“Do you know what the balance is in the checkbook?” “You have to pay the coop with this last milk check.” “Health insurance went up 15%”. “Remember the bill to repair the chopper is due on the 10th.”
I try to hush the voice and shake it off my leg. Sometimes it will leave with one good kick. Other times it’s wrapped so tight I can barely pry it off with two hands.
At times I can be in the middle of the field merging hay. I enjoy the job for the most part. I can see what I’ve accomplished and being alone with the oldies playing bouncing around the field can be gratifying.
Then right in the middle of the row I’m flipping, up pops a snake. This one is named Concern. And it’s amazing that he can be heard above the noise of the tractor and the harmony of the radio. He gets so aggressive I must stop, or I’ll lose my place in the field.
“Will you be able to keep your employees when other businesses can offer more money?” “Will you have enough feed this year?” “Will it finally rain, or will it be too late, and will you have to turn the crop under?”
I’ve gotten so upset that I’ve stopped the tractor, jumped off and shouted at Concern at the top of my lungs. “Leave! You are not allowed here”. A couple of times that’s all it took, and it slinked back to the edge of the field. Other times it just rises and weaves back and forth taunting me. “Make me” it hisses.
I can even be off the farm walking the aisles of the grocery store. I’ll be watching moms with their littles and I smile as I remember the “good ol’days”.
And here comes Anxiety from between the cans of green beans. And his hideous voice startles me. I look around to see if anyone else can hear him but apparently not because they just keep walking by as if nothing is happening.
“You heard that argument this morning, didn’t you?” “You know they will never see eye to eye.” “How can your family survive the stress?”
Anxiety’s voice comes in a sing song sort of way. Cutting through my heart strings. He knows the place my family holds in my heart. He knows above all family has to be first. He knows how difficult it can be to be wife and mother and stuck between disagreements sometimes.
I takes all I have not to clamp my hands over my ears and scream at him to “Shut Up!” I know it will cause a scene and then everyone will know.
I can’t allow the world to see my struggles. After all, especially as a Christian I have no excuse to feel this way.
After all I trust Jesus and if that’s true then I should just go my merry way and be just fine with the company of snakes knowing that God will protect me from the deadly bites.
I do know that God has and will equip me to handle snakes without peril.
The day-to-day issues that weigh on my shoulders make my arms feel weak at times. It takes strong arms to slay snakes. It takes balance to stand when swinging with all your might. It takes grit and determination to not turn and run.
I feel as if I am the only wobbly one looking for the strength to chop the head off the snake. I see no snakes wrapped around anyone else’s ankles.
Does anyone else find them in the grocery aisle or is it just me?
Will I ever be rid of snakes, or will they follow me the rest of my life?
Is my faith strong enough to keep them at bay?
I must put the questions in a box for another day. I purpose to focus on the blessings God gives which include the ability to walk through life.
Somedays I walk with snakes dragging around my ankles. Other days I walk unencumbered.
There is never a day that I walk alone. The God I serve has no fear of snakes. I’m working on it daily.
